The wall, the title, the future

I finally feel ready to write about what has happened to my career as an academic librarian. I couldn’t before because I had too much emotion tied up in the whole situation.

Basically, even though I knew that the job had burnt me out. There were internal causes for this burn-out for sure. There were things I could’ve changed in myself to make the job a better situation for me. But, there were more external causes for this burn-out, causes having to do with the institution I worked for.   I had evidence to this effect  that I could take out, lay on the table and look at (figuratively).

Even so, I felt a great burden of personal failure. If I had been better, stronger, more resilient, possessed a thicker skin… If I had been a better game player, more able to surf the waves of institutional politics… If I had been the bull that skewers the matador instead of the bull from that children’s book… the bull that prefers the smell of flowers over the smell of blood.

It’s been nearly two months since I tendered my resignation, though, and time has done its work. Each day away from that job and from my expectations for myself, and my disappointments and bitterness, makes it all fade a little more. Now I go through blocks of days where I don’t even think about the place, or my job, or my burn-out.

And when I do think of it, all I feel is relief.

I hit a wall. I didn’t bounce off it and walk back into battle again. I didn’t scale it. I went right through it, leaving a hole the shape of my body, just like the Coyote did, while chasing the Road Runner.

Now that I’ve quit, I need to make decisions about the future. I need an income. I need a plan. And my first step is to shed this word: Librarian.

I do not want to be a librarian. I am an Information Professional. Say it with me, In Fo May Shin Pro Fesh Innul.

Let’s go!