The wall, the title, the future

I finally feel ready to write about what has happened to my career as an academic librarian. I couldn’t before because I had too much emotion tied up in the whole situation.

Basically, even though I knew that the job had burnt me out. There were internal causes for this burn-out for sure. There were things I could’ve changed in myself to make the job a better situation for me. But, there were more external causes for this burn-out, causes having to do with the institution I worked for.   I had evidence to this effect  that I could take out, lay on the table and look at (figuratively).

Even so, I felt a great burden of personal failure. If I had been better, stronger, more resilient, possessed a thicker skin… If I had been a better game player, more able to surf the waves of institutional politics… If I had been the bull that skewers the matador instead of the bull from that children’s book… the bull that prefers the smell of flowers over the smell of blood.

It’s been nearly two months since I tendered my resignation, though, and time has done its work. Each day away from that job and from my expectations for myself, and my disappointments and bitterness, makes it all fade a little more. Now I go through blocks of days where I don’t even think about the place, or my job, or my burn-out.

And when I do think of it, all I feel is relief.

I hit a wall. I didn’t bounce off it and walk back into battle again. I didn’t scale it. I went right through it, leaving a hole the shape of my body, just like the Coyote did, while chasing the Road Runner.

Now that I’ve quit, I need to make decisions about the future. I need an income. I need a plan. And my first step is to shed this word: Librarian.

I do not want to be a librarian. I am an Information Professional. Say it with me, In Fo May Shin Pro Fesh Innul.

Let’s go!

Was this the right thing to do?

According to an article on the Top 5 Myths About Workplace Stress, taking this LofA was a bad idea:

Most workplaces react to stress by reducing employees’ workloads, responsibilities or working hours and in serious cases by giving people long sick leaves… this is a mistake.

People hit by stress need to increase their capacity and confidence at work, and while time off from work can be necessary to treat the immediate symptoms of stress, a long absence from the workplace does exactly the opposite. When people return to the workplace, they’re even more vulnerable than before. Worse, some never return to work at all.

Instead, suggests the author, I should be working with my school and within myself to fix the things that feel so bad at work, for, as this article stresses, workplace stress is not caused by the work or amount of work, but how one feels about work. So, if you feel bad, you have to make the changes necessary to feel better.

It’s true, though, about feeling less confident and more fragile in some ways now that I’m on leave. As I said in the first post, I feel replaceable.